watching: nothing listening to: nine inch nails-hurt mood: knumb my bad for not writing in ages [countless days i'm sure]
just have been a little...knumb...
last night i found out that the divorce between my parents, i'm somewhat happy but most of me is sad. i'm glad that i know what's going on now, but i'm pissed off as ever that this is going to happen- but i'm only tweeked because i found out that dad was cheating on mom. it would have been better by me if it was a simple "there's nothing left." even though saying so would make it hurt worse. the bastard has been sleeping with some chick that she met in the higher eschelante in his job, he's fucking his way to the top. there are so many ways he can do things without getting his dick involved. but he choses to do things the overly easy and primal way. if it was possible, could he just once open his eyes and listen, and shut his fucking mouth? i suspect midlife crisis mostly, because he's only 45. but it hurts so bad just to talk to him. he buys me things, and the only thing i can see when i look at him is the face of a traitor, even though i try to forgive and forget and just be normal, i just don't know what's gotten into him.
he hurt mom
he hurt me
he broke this family
oh the affair isn't where it all begins. my sister [half sister, daughter of my father] drove a wedge between my mom and i, and beat me up and down. she would constantly harass me, and bring men she hardly knew in the house when i was only 11-12 ish. it was so sad. in her world, there was one person, and that person was her, and everyone else, was secondary.
she wrecked all of us, and made a small tear that began the split between my parents.
extremely shortly after she "ran away" [she was 19, and this happened on january 25th] i tried running away as well on valentine's day of the same year. [2002] i felt so lonely. like nobody cared. parents were always yelling at me for her mistakes, and things that she did, and i went into panic attacks at least twice weekly because of the yelling and the screaming that i couldn't stand so much. mom took me to a counselor after i came back from 3 days of being away from home, and i told her lies. i told her these lies to fabricate my life i suppose. i didn't really want to see what my real life looked like. i eventually got in trouble with it, and mom decided to yell even more. then, i skipped school [which was routine] and mom and dad found out about it,and that i had done it with my best friend, crystal. she and i both suffered the same punnishment, and i ended up in "iss" and i knew for sure who told on me. it was erica. the witch that stole all of my most precious posessions. the bitch who trampled me and shrugged away my friendship. then i got kicked out of school, hence the reason why i'm in private school.
well that was a tangent and a half.
my apologies for that
at least i didn't go into detail about my boyfriends and stuff
but now nobody matters to me but my current one...
my future husband
Michael <3<3<3
anyway.....
adios
laura

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watching: nothing listening to: Mojo Nixon-tie my pecker to my leg mood: sorta cocky and a little grouchy ahhhh i don't wanna go back to school tomorrow... oh fucking well.
i'm kinda tired and stuff but i guess i'll get over it eventually welp, not much else to say so i guess i'll get the hell out of here.
blah blah blah
laura

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watching: the godfather listening to: legendary pink dots- pleasure pallace mood: L4zY! well i spent all day on my ass pretty much... so i guess i did nothing but update my profile picture - wheeeeeeee
cough cough
laura

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watching: nothing listening to: ac/dc hells bells mood: headache ahhh!!! Michael's Lan's screwing up, my sister's calling because she wants to come back home, and i have a mild headache which i think may grow... life's a peach.
welp, i did get some new incense today and i finally got a new burner for them m/. hooray for me! ok... well... umm not much more is going on... i'm just missin' muh baby well anyway, i drove a long way today, and i haven't gotten in any wrecks or anything, but i sure as hell got some people honking at me lmao....
eh, nothing much else to say for today adios
laura

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watching: blank screen listening to: Ramms+ein- nebel mood: ehhhh could be better Pms is taking over my emotions -_- someone make it stop!!!! i'm getting all bitchy and my head hurts like hell, and i seem to have become extremely controlling and stupid.... well... something good has happened in the past few days- free stuff. i got some money from relatives and stuff over christmas, and i'm just like blew a bunch of it [yeah i had some gift cards too] and i got some cd's a pair of pants, a new collar, a new set of bracelets, a shirt, a pair of plaid bondage pants m/ and umm yeah good stuff. oh yeah, a few days ago i got a cam, and my boyfriend did too so we can like O_o spy on each other [i'm all like...lol] well i guess i'm gonna go try to do something that makes me look busy
peace
laura

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*finally* found a good version of Peter Gabriel's "games without frontiers" downloadable on Ares [excellent song btw] *and* i found out on xmas eve that my stuff's getting published on a wee little folk music album [no, nobody's ever gonna see it, any big agents or anything, i'm screwed and i'll stay poor because my artwork is crappy] and umm... i got some really nifty presents today ... my favorite is the Kiss Alive IV vynil set that my boyfriend got me [bling bling! representin' Kiss, yo! lol...umm.. bad joke, whatever...] then my second favorite gift is the gift of having someone that loves me on Christmas. through all the relationships i've had, none lasted until Christmas. The last Christmas i had was spent in my room with a razorblade... alone.... pretending i was happy... pretending everything was ok... but for once, there was someone there that i knew loved me. and that i know i love. someone that means the world to me, and someone i want to spend the rest of my life with. i once thought that all emotion was fake- that the world is fake- and nothing really happens, but we're all fake people- no more than shadows. but the deeper you dig, the more realistic this theory seems. and yet, i wonder, how do emotions such as love and hate could ever be unreal. [aha, typical nature of the human kind; selecting extremes] well, i suppose i've rambled enough for today...
adios
-laura-

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